Carpe-diem-kid

My heart is breaking. I have no friends to hang out with. I make very little money at a boring go no where job. My boyfriend is over 600 miles away. Furthermore, I suck as a person. I'm flirting with another guy, my boyfriend's physique is unattractive so I don't like to fantasize about him when I touch myself. I'm falling in love with a fictional character with is so ridiculous. And I can't stay straight with God. I can't touch myself period! Yet I do so anyway. I think it's an addiction and is triggered by loneliness and boredom and feelings of failure.

Today is particularly down day. Why can't I be good?! Why can't stay good? I love Christ and I love the Church but my actions do not say I do. I'm so disgusting and the guilt is crushing me. Lord why can't I stay loyal?

I LOVE YOU STILL. Ewww. NOT EWWW. YOUR HEART IS BROKEN AND YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO COPE WITH IT. LIFE HAS NOT GONE THE WAY YOU HAVE HOPED BUT TO ME IT'S GOING OKAY. How can you say that? I'm a sexual sinner. It's so gross. SURE IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO WITH YOUR BODY, BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT AND WANT TO CHANGE RIGHT? Yes I do, but that's hard. DO YOU WANT MY HELP? I suppose I need it huh? YEP. Then yes. GREAT! Your attitude is surprising. EVEN THROUGH SIN WE CAN BE BROUGHT CLOSER IF WE FIGHT IT TOGETHER! SEE JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU EVEN IN THE THICK OF IT AND IT WILL BE EASIER TO BE HOLY. MY LOVE MAKES PEOPLE HOLY NOT THERE LOVE FOR ME. YOU CAN NEVER LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU. NEVER. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. AND MY HEART IS INFINITE. SO THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY CHILD. I KNOW THIS IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU'VE FELT CONDITIONAL LOVE AND THAT SUCKS. I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY, UNCONDITIONALLY, UNCONDITIONALLY! DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP BECAUSE THAT'S COUNTER PRODUCTIVE. IT WILL JUST MAKE YOU TURN TO SIN AGAIN AND AGAIN. I LOVE YOU, MORE THAN BRANDON, YOUR PARENTS, OR ANYONE ON THE PLANET. AND I WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU, NOT JUST TO GAIN SOMETHING FOR ME. You gain my soul. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE IT? No it's better in your care than mine. GOOD TO HEAR. DO YOU WANT TO BE IN HEAVEN WITH ME? Yes where else do I want to go? Where else is there to go? JUST LIKE PETER. I LOVE YOU AND EVEN THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO JESUS TURNED HIS BACK TO HIM. SO IF JESUS CAN FORGIVE PETER, WHY NOT YOU. NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF! I'm getting rid of the thing. GOOD START! What a waste of money and lack of fulfillment. NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!!!

Lord, thank-you for your love. I will never comprehend how you can love me. Probably not until I come in full communion with you in heaven. Please help me get there. Amen.

Talk with God March 12, 2013